I Blame the Interweb

It’s true that the internet has opened up a whole new world of opportunities for businesses, it has also created a generation who only believe that what they read on the web is the only truth…

How many times have you heard the phrase “just Google it”  - the answer being seen as ‘gospel truth’. Say it enough and it becomes the truth as far as the Millennial generation are concerned.

What happened to real research…scouring libraries, old texts, clippings etc. Nowadays it seems that if its not answered by typing in a few phrases then it is of no concern. If Google doesn’t have the answer then may Youtube or Yahoo will.

Want a new phone? check out the web, want a new padlock,? check out the web, want to listen to the latest Buddy Holly single check out iTunes…

The internet has made it so easy to find things. The joy of leafing through obscure records in a musty second-hand music shop are long gone. Trying to find any service or product now is simply a matter of a clickable search.

But think of this: what happens if the best company for your needs isn’t listed in any of the searches?

Would you think to look elsewhere – the Yellow Pages used to be the de-facto go to, I had a number of creative business directories that I used to use.  But no longer. If it ain’t on the web it dunt exist…

Anyway, I decided to make a list of things I hate about the internet:

It is always right – no it isn’t

Site testing sites – these are there only to self serve. For example, if you don’t have the GroinDuster app on your site then we give your site 40% out of 100 score. Buy a GroinDuster here to improve your sites score, only $395 per annum.

Social Media - it isn’t social nor is it media. OK, so you have a Twitter account, a Facebook Page, a LinkedIn Business page, maybe even a Pinterest page (go on, you will get one if  marketing say it’ll bring in business) maybe you’ll even bother with a Periscope presence too…the only people who evangelise this stuff are doing so to feather their own nests…I mean who in their right mind would pay someone to set up a SM account. The whole point is that it’s free!

Twitter – I hate this app…actually, I hate the name and what it stands for. I mean, who cares…? Apparently loads do. Usually bickering over pointless trending crap. How much longer can it survive I wonder...

Advertising on the web – who actually really likes this stuff? I was watching some YouTube clips and yes, halfway through I get an advert. It’s neither skippable nor is it relevant, what it is is bloody annoying.

Re-marketing – this is the witchcraft aspect of the web…you know what this is: If not then let me enlighten you with this example: Last weekend you were browsing for some kitchen knifes, then today you went into (insert SM service here, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, LinkedIn etc) and what do you get…some advert for the very knifes you were browsing. This, my friends, is remarketing. (basically it’s the browser, in most cases Google, snooping your search history so that it can sell your data to anyone else in order to sell you some knifes)*

*works with other products too

Alexa – “what will my prison cell look like if I batter you?” Yes, you’ve guessed it. Yet another way for these big companies to learn more about you and to sell you stuff. Also a direct gateway into your home…User beware.

SEO – basically, if your site and the service you offer is any good then you shouldn’t really need this. If it isn’t then you will and you will want to chuck a ton of money at an expert to tell you the bleedin’ obvious.

The Journey – “what about the ‘journey’ our customer will take through our website?” No, I am not kidding, this was an actual conversation opener. If your customer needs to go on a journey through your website then clearly your website has been poorly designed and the navigation is no good. An experience, yes, but a journey..? Mind you did I mention that we are experts on the web journey…let have a conversation about this.

Join the Conversation – this is such an annoying phrase, do you really need to be prompted to join a conversation… honestly I have seen this phrase written on the sides of buildings, as if anyone gives a toss about joining your conversation…

Make it pop – in other words make my website ‘do’ something other than cleanly and simply inform customers. So why not have meaningless cascading numerical figures, some growing images and some tickertape messaging to boot.

Plus, the added bonus that on a mobile device it won’t work…perfect!

Videos of the office landscape – I mean this is seriously impressive right? A movie of our studio/office/warehouse etc that makes us look quirky, funky, with it, etc etc. No,  it does not. Its just a cheap way of filling real estate with meaningless stuff. Impressed…? No.

Pop Ups – need I say more?

Flash – Nobody does Flash any more. If they do then they are happy for nobody to see their site.

We care about your data – this one is specifically aimed at Facebook. Since when did Facebook really care about our data..? Well,  in truth it has always cared deeply about your data. Especially with it being able to sell it on to third parties, which was and always will be, its prime function and the only way it could raise billions in its IPO. Go on, just !

read the prospectus

The Internet of Things – aka IoT – this nauseating phrase has become mainstream. Some egghead will have coined this phrase probably in the late 90s. Today its used everywhere to describe how a fridge will re-order milk. Amongst other things…

Critics – I really hate critics of the internet

Pinch of Salt - to be used when reading this post 

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